Mind = BLOWN


Here I am, once again, in Spitfire’s arms. Do you know how hard it is to get a close up photo of us dancing together? Especially a good one? This was taken over a week ago, during a Galleria set.


I’m on Linden restrictions again.  I have to give half of what I earn to Spitfire for the time being, and must have every single purchase approved by her, preferably before I make it.  She’s holding it in trust for me, in case I need it.  She is NOT a findomme.  She is doing this because I have a gacha addiction that I can’t seem to break.


Yesterday, I had a little chat with mum.  We were slightly at crossed circuits, but the discussion I have been allowed to share is this:

Unity One: don’t delay your own happiness, in order to appease another.
ισ Sριтfιяє-Mσσηcнєєкѕ: I have Spitfire’s name. She knows I love her.
Unity One: that’s right. but, you partner. You both need it.

So I thought about it.  See, there’s this tiny problem with partnering with Spitfire:

Coyote.


Coyote is the daughter of my heart and spirit.  I see in her the me that I was about twenty years ago, except she has family and a husband to support her.  Our lives at the age she is currently at would be almost identical.

Except I was alone.  I didn’t have family support. I didn’t have a husband who loved me. I didn’t have so much of what she has, and she doesn’t even see it.  She has a husband who loves her with everything he has.  I was abandoned by friends and even my blood family then.  I was alone, so very alone.

I did have my stubbornness, and the armor I still pull mentally over myself, to keep me going.

I love her so much, that the thought of unpartnering her was making me sick to my stomach.  As I am typing this, I am tearing up.

I never want her to think I abandoned her.  She had given me permission to unpartner her so I could partner Spitfire, but I couldn’t.  She is my daughter, my SL waifu, my mentee, the way I can live vicariously, without having to break promises to my dominant.  Coyote was and is so much to me that labelling her what she is in all her aspects would limit what she is.

She is someone I love, truly love.  No matter how emotional she gets, and how snarly she is to me, whenever she wants to be in my arms, they’re open for her.  I do care about her real life husband too, especially because of how fiercely he loves her.  When I found out what he did for her years ago… He’s her white knight in rusting armor and I don’t think she even sees it, because he doesn’t lord what he did over her.

I wish there was some way to tell them that without making it sound like I was sucking up to him.


So, Coyote and her husband lost their internet this past week, and it could be days yet before they have it back.  They had to choose between internet and electricity, and their isp didn’t appreciate the fact that they chose electricity.  So, their net went down.

By Thursday, I was scrambling to cover her shifts, since I didn’t know if she was going to be able to be online on Saturday.  The Old Guard double Mooncheek shift was cut in half and was only two hours long instead of four.  It was the Divine Sadism shift that I was worried about.  That was the premier shift she was going to be doing this past weekend, and it couldn’t be missed.

So, I contacted Tanarra, and she contacted Rosa, and the decision was made to have me step in, so that even if Coyote could get on, in case her internet was intermittent, they’d have a DJ.  This was a three-way decision, with none of us blaming Coyote one bit for stuff out of her hands.  Way back when Coyote first started to take these sets, she knew that I was her backup.  We all know how bills are and how priorities can come about and you have to choose to skip Peter in order to pay Paul.

So, less than twenty minutes before the set starts, and I’m already djing, she shows up.  She’s pissed.  Her husband is pissed.  And I’m up shit creek with both of them.

Except…

There was messages in facebook for both of them, letting them know not to worry about the shifts.  I had everything covered.  They could relax.  They could not panic.  They could have a weekend off to be together and do whatever.

Nope.  I got called nasty stuff by her husband, and Coyote vented all over mine.  I don’t know if Spitfire got vented at either.  If Spitfire had been, I don’t think she told me.

Penalt (my real life husband), Spitfire, and I, all believe we did the right thing – we covered her back.  She’s covered mine when I’ve been sick, so why not return the favour?

Except I feel like shit for doing it.


There was one small problem with doing that event at Divine Sadism: Spitfire was banned.  Not actually banned, but I was politely told that she should not attend.

See, all female avatars there are voice verified to prove they are 100% female. They don’t want any real life men there, especially those that dominate women, whether they are in sub roles, or as dominants, not even if they identify as femme.  Spitfire’s rich voice would be a problem, and would out her as (SPOILER ALERT!) biologically male, and because she’s my dominant, what I did outside of Divine Sadism was my own business, but Spitfire was not allowed to attend the event.

Which meant a whole lot of the Galleria attendees couldn’t attend either.

Yes, I am gnashing my teeth over this.

The only reason why Spitfire might show up on Divine Sadism land would be if I screamed my safeword via my collar.  Teleporting me to her would be the safer option.  There was an incident with Coyote, and she was in full ptsd flash on Divine Sadism, and I had to run to her, and I’ve had a couple of times where I’ve had to flee too, so it can happen to the dommes there.

I think the decision to not allow Spitfire was wrong – it stops guests from coming to explore, and a whole lot of traffic that could have been there wasn’t able to come for the special event to get a taste of what Divine Sadism is like.  I didn’t feel it was right to put out the notice to groups that I could have specifically because of how intense Divine Sadism is.  Rosa’s the final word, and I have to respect it, even as I sought to find ways that would satisfy her, and allow Spitfire to be there.  It wasn’t going to happen.

In short – Rosa’s word is law, and Spitfire wasn’t allowed to come, so instead she listened to my stream at the Galleria with others, and they enjoyed my music there, blipping up in my inbox with her wit and wisdom, and making me laugh.  Normally, Spitfire has a set at the exact same time, but took a weekend off, so I was able to cover Coyote without causing other headaches.

Other sims have similar restrictions – female avatars have to be voice verified to prove they are female. (insert cisgendered homophobia idiocy rant here)  One sim I go to, they accept Spitfire as being with me, but she’s not really wanted, especially since she’s spoken on voice chat and made the men’s jaw drop.  The owner of that sim knew Spitfire was a g.i.r.l. but I never truly elaborated past that.  It took me months to get over the futa factor, and I’d like to think I’ve got a somewhat open mind.

I’ve had to warn Galleria people away from Divine Sadism, because of how harsh it can be, and that if I have that tag on, I’m not safe to be near.  I generally leave Divine Sadism hyped up and prickly at best.  It takes a while for me to dial down from a visit and be “safe” around.  If Spitfire isn’t there, mum, or Spa, can smack my off switch, and has, but standing on my plinth for at least 15 minutes generally calms me down enough to be at the galleria.  I’m so glad mum made that for me.

After the set, a very good set linden wise, Spitfire put me through a cool down routine that I think she’s going to continue to use with me.  I listened to the track she gave me with her voice, in order to set me on the right track.  Then she used a Control Program trigger in order to get me to melt into being hers again.

I love that feeling.


The Old Guard set was quiet and alone.  Spitfire stayed longer than she should have, and I played for the entire two hours to an empty sim, even with her company.  It was disheartening, and I left there in tears.

That night, mum got into my inbox and requested my skills as a dj, and had a date night with her fiancee.  Once again, I pulled magic out of my arse and had a wonderful evening.


Shhh… don’t tell Irish… I did 5 hours of djing New Years Eve’s eve.

Don’t even think of telling her I did about 8 hrs on New Years Eve, even if Spitfire took over for about 80 minutes at the CFNM mansion. Shhhhhh!


So, Spitfire told me that she was going to go for a power nap about an hour before the CFNM mansion started.  I had to remind her that she and I, and Coyote, were supposed to do 5 hours minimum for the mansion’s New Years Eve party.

She started to panic.

So, I used the trigger I put in her via the trance I gave her for specifically such an occasion.

The panic stopped.

She was able to think coherently, and agreed to go down for a power nap, and understood that if she missed the party, it was okay.

This image is a hard one for me to show.  I am alone while djing.

I was going to write a log post about how abandoned I felt. How alone. How isolated.  Even though I knew Spitfire had wanted to be there, the fact that she wasn’t, hit me hard.  With neither Coyote nor Spitfire at my side, I had a reality check about how horrible my life would be without both of them.

It isn’t my reality.  Normally, one or both of them are usually there for my CFNM mansion shifts, just like this:  That’s me, in the red ribbon, Spitfire in her awesome pink, and Coyote in red and green. I don’t remember who was djing, but since I have my headphones on, I’m assuming it was me, not Spitfire.

Bryan was hosting like he normally does, so he kept me company via instant messages. I didn’t feel as alone with him talking to me, and was asking him what he thought of my new name on sl – io Spitfire-Mooncheeks.  He approves.

Sometime after 4pm, all of a sudden, there was a Spitfire in my screen. Bryan is to my left.

I was floating in a cloud from then on. I taught Spitfire how to jump on the stream I’m using, but both of us need to practice. She rocked the next 80ish minutes, then promptly collapsed in bed.

I logged off to get away from my computer for a bit. I needed the break.


Of course, my middle child, decided to have her friend over for New Years Eve. We’d already given her permission to have one friend.  The baby sister joined in.  An hour before the Whip set was supposed to start, I was trying to drive as safe as I could to being three girls back to our place, instead of setting up.

I get home, and quickly finish my set up.

8:50 rolls around and I’m still not djing. In a panic, I start and play shuffle with the set list so that I can cover the New Years EST moment with one of my New Years sounds.  It works.  Somehow, I managed to get the notices out.  I also get a sim I used to DJ at to switch to the Whip’s stream for the night, and they were loving the music.

9pm – EST New Years.
10pm – Central New Years.
11pm – Mountain New Years.

I was in heaven. I had full queues and couldn’t get songs out fast enough cause of advertising.  One song I couldn’t find, but I found all the others.

Then, just before midnight, and PST/SLT (Second Life Time), Spitfire was up, active, and logged in, and messing with my leash.  Note to self: movement lock.

I ended up in her arms dancing the rest of the night away, and did it completely in shock.  See… she had said something to me in my private ims.

[00:04] ισ Sριтfιяє-Mσσηcнєєкѕ: apparently, the general consensus is yes, we should partner
[00:06] Mx Supermarine Spitfire: mmmhmmm – so, Iolanthe…. *gets down on knee* will you be my partner?
[00:11] ισ Sριтfιяє-Mσσηcнєєкѕ: I… am in shock

Yes, my entire DJ routine was put into a spin. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. If I had been standing, I would have fainted.  I wanted to discuss this further.  I wanted to figure out how to keep Coyote happy too.  I wanted her involved in all this.

Instead, I let the songs run while we told the people at the Galleria what was asked.  I couldn’t think.  My jaw had dropped.  My heart was racing. Thoughts spun in my head.

We were being congratulated even before I said yes!

[00:26] Mx Supermarine Spitfire: I know this is a big step, scary one. But I’ve decided that it’s time to stop procrastinating and worrying, and pursue my dreams.
[00:26] ισ Sριтfιяє-Mσσηcнєєкѕ: dreams? please… elaborate…. please?
[00:28] Mx Supermarine Spitfire: I love you so much, mine, and want the world to know it.  I want to be your master, your lover, your comfort, but also someone your kids can look up to.

I sat back and thought.  Okay… Coyote did say it was okay if we unpartnered.  I have an alt I could partner with her if she still needs that attachment.

I went and unpartnered her.

Then, into my inbox, this appeared:

Io, I want to be more than your master and lover. I wish to be your SL partner, and a partner to you in helping your kids and husband in the real world.

Of course mum had to put her two cents in at the time, saying about how she couldn’t stand the cliff hanger.  I was busy changing up my set list and threw up some of my favorite songs, and the next twenty minutes was and is a fuzzy blur.  I know I said something on voice, and Spitfire had to hear the answer over the stream, even though we were on vox by then.

You already are good at helping my kids. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in SL or RL to join my husband and I. You inspire me to be better, rub away my tears, calm and soothe my fears, protect me, and your arms have always been open for me, even when we were simply friends.

Yes.

I don’t really know which was first – me saying it over the air, or writing her back.

I asked mum something, just before she left for the night.

[00:43] Unity One: know you are loved.
[00:43] ισ Sριтfιяє-Mσσηcнєєкѕ: by you too?
[00:43] Unity One: always

Warm fuzzies.

I’ve spent the last three hours in Spitfire’s arms just like this…

Spitfire has ordered candies from an UK candystore for my kids, specifically my middle kid.  I am hoping that when that gift shows up, the one kid of mine who doesn’t accept her does, cause none of the other gaming or internet “partners” in my life have ever done anything like that.  I was horribly abused by one, I should have seen it then that he was destroying me.  It wasn’t until I caught him in a lie, that I could justify blocking him.  He still bounces up occasionally, and every time he does, I block him.

Spitfire is trying to prove to my kids that she’s different.

I start the New Year as Missus Spitfire.  She’s still Mx Spitfire.

I can’t believe how much she loves me at times. It’s overwhelming, and it feels so wrong to be loved so fully.

I hope to remain deserving of her love.

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