Any salve for that burn?

Sooooo… the Scifi expo in SL was great! Had fun. Spitfire and I are science fiction nuts. Her alien avatar, my elf from Abode descendant. Yah, we really get into the Scifi stuff.
Spitfire and I exploring the sims.  Look at the BB8!

More explorations. We found a Tardis!!! I never did find it again. FOO
Irish djing at the Whip HQ just before one of my sets. I had to derender all the lights after this photo, because it was making me sick to my stomach. I’m light sensitive, and not stupid enough to try to initiate a seizure in me.  As soon as I have a problem with a light flashing in SL, I derender it and it’s buddies. I can’t work at some clubs because of all the flashyflash, so out they go.

On the last day of the con, at almost the very last moment possible, I saw a post for “we’re having a send off party! Come on down!” So I messaged the person throwing the party – “hey, want a dj? And to be on the Whip?”

Of course, the answer was YES and the Star Wars Role Play booth got me as Princess Leia. I started as Senator Amidala, but didn’t take any photos. When Groot showed up, I had to take photos! We rocked the event away and the set was fun and once again, I proved my grace under pressure by keeping up with what people wanted to hear, including really obscure stuff.

I’m still waiting to hear the results and “most popular booth” contest. I think I got all but one of the hidden latinum bars for the hunt.

I checked in with mum during my set.  She asked how I was and I couldn’t hide the truth.  I had done a trance I haven’t done in a long time and wasn’t sure I had done it right.  It was a memory purge trance, specifically aimed at what I was feeling yesterday.  I was in tears over what Coyote has done and had been for days.  I can never trust her again, even if she does apologize.  I can no longer support her emotionally, either.

Mum supported the idea of the memory purge.  It isn’t “get rid of memories.”  It’s more “zip them up and store them away.”  Especially the emotions.  I woke up in the morning with a bad headache, a minor nosebleed and some temporary memory issues.

All I wanted was for Spitfire to nudge me into remembering her.  The problem with the purge is that the memory of multiple people were going to be part of the purge – including Spitfire!  The last thing I needed was to forget that she’s more than just the love of my Second Life.

It didn’t quite work.  The memories of everything Coyote has done are still there, but the emotions are gone.  I feel a bit better balanced, except that Spitfire and I are once again communicating on different frequencies.

I did this to help me be stable and able to DJ, and function normally again, not to spite her.

Mum’s voice of reason was in my ears.  “If someone did to my love what girl child did to you, it would be scorched earth time.”

The burn from her words, lovingly, but fiercly spoken, still stings, even with the salve of truth healing them.  “I can’t trust Coyote,” I told her.

Her advice, sound and steadfast, holds truth.  Her advice to Spitfire holds the same.

But Spitfire’s silent to me.

I think she’s miffed I did something to my mind to protect me without asking her advice or permission to do, even though I had mum’s.

Time to move on.  Looking at stream fees.  Looking at where I can DJ.  I have to talk to Bryan about cease and desist.  I have been advised not to engage Coyote, so I won’t.  I know she reads this, and maybe she’ll learn how much she hurt people by spouting off, instead of going back to the source.  She caused a huge strife in my own family in real life, not just in SL, and I have some serious apologizing to do because of her and previous incident.

I can’t support someone I don’t trust.  Even if she apologizes to both me and mum, she still won’t be unbanned from the galleria.  That is an in perpetuity ban, and she earned it.  It would have been a safe place for her, instead it is no longer a haven for her.  She’s done and doing things I refuse to condone, and I found out her newest relationship has gone the way of others.  Coyote’s now saying that she’s gone adrift on her blog, without anything to anchor to.  I wish I could still be that anchor, but I can’t trust her not to hurt me again.

Maybe now, Spitfire’s land will seem like a home for me again.  It doesn’t right now.  I wish it did.  Maybe in a few weeks.  Maybe tomorrow.  I think I should switch my hidey there to a different skybox, something I’d enjoy living in as a home.

Until then… I hope Spitfire can soothe her own burn from mum’s words.

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