From Fetlife back about 8 months ago.  Fetlife doesn’t keep a confirmed record of when you have posted stuff, just a vague one.


“Don’t give up on me.”

Those were the last words on a text from him almost a week ago. He said he would explain what was going on. He said he would be home shortly.

His skype doesn’t pick up.

There’s no subtle messages from him anywhere I know he posts on the net. Nothing on twitter, instagram, facebook, and other places.

There’s nothing.

Then he comes in. “You’re to stop this with him. I’ve had enough. If I have to, I’ll be the heavy.”

My husband. My protector.

“I’ve been told to walk away from you,” I texted yesterday.

Nothing but silence.

Time for me to put my broken heart back together.


“You did what?”

I can hear the anger in his typed words as I confess what I did. Once again, I felt ignored and unloved. Once again, I removed him from my collar and my profile as my partner.

“I cannae believe you did that.”

I can’t believe he once again went ages without a single text and expected me to be there when he got back.

“I feel sick.”

He goes silent again.

For days.

I find out he was in the hospital and I sent him there. It was my fault.

“No. Oh no. Dinnae even think like that. You saved me.”


“I had a bacterial infection in my brain. If you hadnae forced me into a medical crisis, I could have died.”

I don’t understand. I feel guilt. I feel ashamed. I made him so sick he went to the hospital. I stressed himself out so much because I lost my patience in waiting for weeks on end for him to come back. It’s all my fault.

He’s gone again.

A week.

Almost two.

I get a few hours with him and then his net goes.

And he’s gone again.

But his skype picks up.

And he posts on social media…

No texts to me…

My birthday comes….

And goes…

And father’s day…

And still nothing…

Is this silence?

Is this punishment for being impatient?

He keeps on doing this. This is his pattern. He comes for a few hours, maybe even a few days, then disappears for days, weeks, nearly a month. I throw tantrums and more to get his attention. That doesn’t make him want to stay.

I don’t even know what would.

How much longer do I wait? A day? A week? A month? A year?

I don’t have that much patience…

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