Ponderings

I read the short blog Spitfire wrote about being a dominant, and frown. It was good that she has written, but she could have written more.  It was the next day when I found out why she wasn’t writing as much as she could have.

Just like her, I use these posts to get into her mind. No matter who writes it, we discuss the contents and the thoughts behind it.

I was hoping for a lot more from her, such as what does if feel like to see me fall to my knees to her? What does it feel like cuddling me when I’m sick and passed out in my desk chair? (It’s a recliner right now) Does she enjoy protecting me like that or is it a burden? Did she enjoy it having me with my head on her feet? Is she scared of me when I have “Divine Mistress” on? What about the other femdom tags I have? Is she willing to submit to me if she has to to follow me to femdom sims? Does the gynoid trance I gave her still help? Am I submissive enough for her? Too submissive?

The questions keep coming and these blog posts are a way for us to keep the dialogue open.  The problem with having a brain injury or other brain issue such as aspergers or adhd or even anxiety or depression, sometimes you can’t talk to the person you want to talk to.  Stick a piece of paper and writing implements in front of the person who can’t talk, and watch what happens.  It might not be words, but they will communicate.

That’s what these blog posts are for, at least my part.  I do have a brain injury.  When I was 12, I had an incident at school involving ice, a slide, a frozen cedar log, gravel, my glasses, and my left eyebrow.  It was a minor miracle I didn’t loose my sight in that eye, but it did something more than “a mild concussion.”  It fundamentally changed me. It was the day that I lost my ability to remember dates.  I used to be able to regurgitate specific religious holiday dates down to the hour for my mother.  The indoctrination into her religion I got as a child was almost complete by then, but that really bad knock on the head did something.  It affect my math. It affected my speech patterns. It affected my ability to filter emotions and more.

It was also the day I started to stutter.  My stutter is different than other stutters, and when I get emotional, it gets worse.

Of course, the schools at that time were not into helping the kids succeed and adapt the curricullum for them.  Nope.  I had to struggle through, and failed out of my second language class about two and a half years later, and my math skills have never recovered.

However, one thing that did stay with me, even though I have trouble speaking, is that I can write.

And write I do.

I wrote fanfiction before writing fanfiction was a thing.  I had Transformers and Doctor Who, and Xmen fanfiction all over the place.  I even got admonished by an English teach for too much pron in my writing and how he shouldn’t be dealing with shwing, and could I please write less of it, unless it was to move the story along.

I still laugh.  Writing the pron was because of a dare.  I took up the dare and wrote, and I still might have it somewhere.

There was no adaptations for me, other than flunking out of Math 10 and taking alternative Math 11.  This was supposed to be for the kids that never got math at all.  I didn’t excel in it, but I did good enough, that that teacher said I didn’t have to do the final.  The rest of the class did.

No adaptations.  So I had to adapt to get through school.

Writing stories was there.  Writing more stuff.  Feelings.  Memories.  Taking people I know and writing fantasy about them.  It helped me deal with my pains in the way that I could deal with them.  I wrote more about stuff that happened after I turned 16, than before that age.

I wrote to get my feelings out. To soothe the raw emotions. To help me cope with everything that was going on.  I had some fun things in my words.

The point is – I use these blogs to help Spitfire get into my head if I’m unable to communicate with her what I’m feeling and thinking.  I was hoping the prompts I gave her as an idea for her blog would loosen her words and let them flow onto the page.

I was wrong.

I am disappointed in how little she wrote, but I know the reasons behind them now, and they are not for me to divulge.  Maybe next time, she’ll write like I do, and let the words flow.  For now, I’m thankful she did write something, even if it was only a sentence.

As I am sitting in a private familly garden, watching her and mum from a distance, I am working on this blog post.  I am close enough that if Spitfire looked, she could see me on the map, but not close enough to disturb the time the two of them need.  I am have finished setting up my music for today and will be jumping to the sim shortly.

After all, today is my rez day party.  Tomorrow is my 10th rezday in SL!