Deep Thoughts

Spitfire and I have been  having some deep talks lately.  I’m an emotional wreck for a variety of reasons, the least of which is body memories.

So, I decided to ask her the really, truly, deep question.

“If something were to happen to me, and I was still your dollie, would you want something from to remind you of me?”

We hemmed and hawed and went back and forth.  A lot.

Would she like a lock of my hair? Some of my art? A bit of my ashes?  What would she do if she got sent something?

Would she want anything at all?  Nothing? Something?

Would she want to be told before even my estranged blood family?

Then she told me she had to write about someone… a previous love of hers.

And I understood a bit more about her when I read it.

See, about two weeks ago, the anniversary of my father-in-law’s death came and went.  When he died about 8 years ago, it was as if the entire family finally exhaled.

Today is the anniversary of my mother-in-law’s passing.  Pen was just able to get to her bedside.  One of his brothers was a little late, and missed saying goodbye.  Chemo got her.  Stage IV colon cancer.  It was a shock to all of us.  Pen and I had just begun to date and I had met her maybe three times and talked to her on the phone a couple of times.

She decided her not-even-daughter-in-law (me) was going to get her craft things. I wasn’t in her will.  It was told to her daughter to make sure that I got the stuff cause I could use it.

A woman who barely knew me made sure to remember me in her last wishes because I might become her daughter-in-law.  After the ejection from my family of origin, this touched me to my core.

I still cry every year.

I also have to sit on Pen because he gets very morbid and more during this time.

I still haven’t finished her last project.  I can’t focus on it.  I try.  I tear up every time I do.

Spitfire’s going into my living will when I write it – she deserves to be told directly.  She’s done so much for me, she deserves to be told if anything bad happens.