I will survive

Yesterday morning, I kicked my husband out.  I had begged him to remove the collar from the woman who became his dominant with neither my consent nor my permission, and definitely not my blessing.  I had begged him to be careful with her, and instead, he fell under her spell.

I kicked him out after I had left YMO and released myself from Spitfire’s collar, which is what my husband wanted me to do – at least leave YMO, which included the inworld groups, and the webspace.  I had refused to let him in the house for fear he may hurt me.  As it was, the shoving match we had, I ended up with a hurt wrist.  It could have been worse.  He was given a few pitiful basic things to survive.  He slept on a bench that night.  I didn’t sleep.

I spent the day running around.  Legal aid, social workers, welfare, and more.  I saw my doctor.  I spent time putting together resources and more.  I wasn’t able to get to the foodbank, but another place gave me a HUGE bag of food when I mentioned I hadn’t eaten.  My youngest was with me during all this.

I applied for a crisis grant.  I applied for legal aid and a local lawyer, and more.

Last night, I still didn’t sleep.  My sleep tracker shows the Rocky Mountains. I was down, then up and then down again, and not for long. I think I had a short nap just before 8 am.

I went to welfare, and found him, sitting there, looking pitiful, with a new bag from who knows where.  My youngest went and cuddled him, while I tried to talk to him, and he refused to talk to me.  He did hand me what he said was what was in the bank account when he closed it in a sealed envelope, but I still haven’t opened up Schroedinger’s Envelope.  It had been enough when I was expecting his cheque from the job he had.  I went in, and talked to them and told them what he had done.  They said that he would have had to remove his name and not close it.  The bank said he would have to close it, so he did.  This is an account I had had for years and he had coerced me into putting his name on it.  All of our financials were going through that account because he had a garnishee against anything he earned at the time.

I went to the foodbank, and got a pile of food from them.  Sorting through, we have some good stuff, but some didn’t last the trip here.  I have an updated resource guide in my pocket, and for the first time in my life, an overdraft, with overdraft protection.  I also changed some of my plans so I have less to pay.

I’ve made arrangements for this, and arrangements for that.  The kids have told me what their needs are, not just their wants, and I’m going to try to fulfill them with what resources I have.

I opened up my bills today and freaked, and started a gofundme, but it’s in my real name.

Spitfire is missing my presence.  She has been trying to support me even after leaving her.  I had forgotten to unpartner her, and I think a small part of me wanted to not do it, or to at least leave her with some small hope I still love her.   It’s not like I’m SL much at the moment.

Other members of YMO were shocked that I left, but I had to.  That was what my husband had demanded of me, and I did it to protect the other members from more of the other woman’s wrath.  He is not and will not do the same.  I wanted marriage councelling and both of us doing what the other wanted – him uncollared, me away from YMO.  He won’t bend.

I did it.  I did it before I kicked him out.  I have been told that YMO will welcome me back if I choose to come back, but I left the one thing that was my support that he wanted me to leave cause he thought it was a “cult.”  It’s not.

I think I will go back.  They didn’t want me to go in the first place.

Why did I do it?  In the long run, for my sanity.

Why did I do it? Because two seperated and happy parents are better than a family unit with bickering parents.  Because my children are worth more to me than the man who sired them.  Because your spouse is supposed to come first in all matters.  Because the two of them deserve each other.

I’ve found that everything is always my fault, no matter what it is.  I left him alone to be and do what he wanted to do, instead of being right at his side.  I didn’t pressure him to excel or push himself.  I didn’t force him to appeal decisions that affected the family unit.  I let him wallow in his depression.  I didn’t do my job as a wife, and I’m not talking housewife and cleaning.  I’m talking about being the reason why you want to come home at night.  He found someone who enjoyed his attention, and played to his sympathies.  I always knew his “must rescue damsel in distress” would be his downfall.

I’m dealing with revelations from it all.  Everything he has said I’ve done to him, and everything he has done to me.  Realizing something so beautiful came from something so horrid.  It’s clued me into one of the rps I enjoy doing, because I’m trying to undo what was done in my mind.

He’s still playing the manipulation game and got a flying monkey to accuse me of lying.  Anything I’ve been given so far has been squirrelled away and I can’t touch it until I know for sure where it will go.  I have to talk to the dealership about how to make a payment when I have the extra money to do so, as well as reset up the payments. I plan on paying extra every month and maybe, just maybe, get it paid off early.

“We are just his past now,” said by one of the kids after they found one of his posts.

I wanted him home.

Not anymore.

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