Not Even A Shotglass

Last one from Fetlife for now…

Not Even A Shotglass

“I’m coming on soon, are you going to talk to me and come on Skype?”

I didn’t even see the message until after I saw the notification that he had logged into SL. I wanted to log off. I wanted to leave SL. I wanted to hide. I wanted to go away and not deal with him and his anger.

“I’m off to get a cuppa. I’ll be on to talk with you soon.”

Instead I port back to the home sim and go up to the build box I have cause I like being able to open and build things in peace. I wait and wait and wait and talk to my SL uncle while waiting and more.

My heart’s fluttering. I’m on my second day of chest pains. I chew a baby aspirin just because. The pain’s on the wrong side of my chest. And I’m shaking like a leaf. He finally comes to the build box and he speaks.

I tell myself to stay strong.

I falter… and get on skype.

And my heart melts. I bite back the tears.

We spend a few hours dancing, and more. I dj. I show him the pixel angel baby I got and I think he loves it. At least the reaction seems to be positive.

And we dance more… He asks me to make him my king again… I do. But that’s all I do right away. “It’ll be a week before I will be ready to say yes to a partnering,” I tell him, “maybe then I’ll be ready to be your partner again.”

“I guess I deserve it. But that means I get to propose to you again.” I swear his eyes sparkled at the thought of re-proposing to me.

And I get him to open the glitter bombs I sent him for Christmas. He laughs at the one card that’s not a glitter bomb, once he finally completely opens it. I laugh my ass off watching him slowly peel it back piece by piece, expecting it to blow up in his face.

Then the actual glitter bombing happens and the words that come out of his mouth!

And for a moment, I’m his girl again. I do my best not to bawl. I’m sure he sees it.

I ask him a serious question: did he have a relapse and was that why he was in the hospital?

Fuck no, he tells me. He broke the nasty habit of addiction years ago and he has no desire to slip back into it. We compare notes of our experiences – I had a boyfriend who wanted to get me addicted, so he could control me with it. And a boss who offered me something stronger. I now shudder whenever there’s a sugary sweet smell in the air. No, I didn’t even try it.

He did different stuff than I did, and fought his way out of addiction. I fought to keep from becoming addicted in the first place. I know how hard it is to stay clean, whether you choose not to use when there are people all around you using, or whether you have to clean yourself out of the mess you got yourself into either by choice or coercion. “The first one is always free,” they say.

But no, he was not relapsing. He had a very bad reaction to whatever medicine the doc gave him. Instead of making him better, it was doing all the “stop this medicine NAO” shit to him, but by then, he was too far gone to realize he had to stop it and get help. He says he wasn’t sure if he was awake or asleep and when he got out, his gran wanted to spend time with him to make sure he was okay.

Coyote finally logs in and the first words out of her mouth make me pee a little cause I laughed too hard. “Hey asshole! I still love you!”

At least she’s down to the point. He’s an asshole, but we still love him.

We tear into him. I feel more courageous with Coyote backing me. I tell him about how he needs to be on for R cause R needs her Master (that’s Capital M – Master), and I’m not good enough cause I’m only Mistress. She needs him so much. I’ve been trying to keep her happy, but she’s had horrific breakups and needs to spend time with him. Lots of time with him.

I tell him what happened with me – about my heart problems resurfacing, about my close encounter with anaphalaxis and how, afterwards, I decided a renewal of my epipen might not be a bad idea. We both tear into him about how he should have been online when he came home from the hospital so we knew he was safe and sound and okay cause he gave us a dreadful fright!

“We want you here. We need you here. It hurts when you’re missing for too long,” I pause and I watch his reactions. “If we didn’t care, if we didn’t love you, neither of us would be standing here.”

If we didn’t love him and want him for our dominant, I wouldn’t even think of giving him a chance. I’ve left other dominants for less shit than he’s given me. How do I explain to a woman who doesn’t get it that even with absences, I need him as much as I need air to breathe?

His net failed and he texts both of us, saying that if he can’t log in, he’ll just go to bed and get some sleep.

That was the last I heard from him.

I wake up this morning and I’m back to the old routine. I fire up skype and call him – yay! He has net! Boo. He has a black screen. For hours, I watch this black screen on skype, hoping he’ll turn on a light.

But no light turns on.

And I feel am alone again…

He didn’t really do his dom magic. There was a sip of it… but it wasn’t even a shot glass full. Not even his dom voice.

I’m breaking into pieces again…

Silence… it is too much for me to bear…

We’re going to have to start again from scratch. “Hey, asshole! In case you’re wondering, that’s MY Lipstick under his kilt!”