Patience

Originally posted in June on another site that doesn’t keep dates of when things were posted. Playing catch up

“You did what?”

I can hear the anger in his typed words as I confess what I did. Once again, I felt ignored and unloved. Once again, I removed him from my collar and my profile as my partner.

“I cannae believe you did that.”

I can’t believe he once again went ages without a single text and expected me to be there when he got back.

“I feel sick.”

He goes silent again.

For days.

I find out he was in the hospital and I sent him there. It was my fault.

“No. Oh no. Dinnae even think like that. You saved me.”

“How?”

“I had a bacterial infection in my brain. If you hadnae forced me into a medical crisis, I could have died.”

I don’t understand. I feel guilt. I feel ashamed. I made him so sick he went to the hospital. I stressed himself out so much because I lost my patience in waiting for weeks on end for him to come back. It’s all my fault.

He’s gone again.

A week.

Almost two.

I get a few hours with him and then his net goes.

And he’s gone again.

But his skype picks up.

And he posts on social media…

No texts to me…

My birthday comes….

And goes…

And father’s day…

And still nothing…

Is this silence?

Is this punishment for being impatient?

He keeps on doing this. This is his pattern. He comes for a few hours, maybe even a few days, then disappears for days, weeks, nearly a month. I throw tantrums and more to get his attention. That doesn’t make him want to stay.

I don’t even know what would.

How much longer do I wait? A day? A week? A month? A year?

I don’t have that much patience…