More from Fetlife. yes, I was very prolific at one point. This is from well over a year ago.
I had a long chat with a fellow alpha… a submissive to one, yet dominant to others. She and I are the same, yet different.
She has a dominant who doesn’t leave her wondering if hers loves her. She knows it. They are always in contact, and at the most have been without contact for two days. He is what she needs and she doesn’t need to look elsewhere for what she needs to fill that empty part of herself.
We are two sides of the same coin – treasured, loved, adored, and cared for, vs ignored, abandoned, neglected, and alone.
I got something from a lover yesterday that I’ve needed from my dominant for ages. I had had a frustrating DJ session and wanted to be held. A friend dom couldn’t spend any time with me because real life called him away, but another man came to my call.
My lover marked me, inside and out. I left his side feeling better and happier and able to do the next session that lasted three and a half hours. Three and a half hours I should have been sharing with my dominant. I role played to my lover that I could feel him drip from me and it made me smile. His laughter in my private messages back made me smile and I wanted more of it. I wanted to be his.
Would he keep me in a gilded cage, I asked him, or let me be as free to come and go from him as I chose to? Free, he told me. My lover wanted me, but free to be as I wanted to be. He would have no restrictions placed on me. I need the limits, I told him. We’d negotiate, he said back.
That’s only a small part of what I’m missing from my dominant, from the man who I know loves me – I can see it in his eyes – but who has all but abandoned me, so now I search elsewhere to find what I need. He’s not on Second Life to stop me. He’s not on Second Life to be the one who’s essence drips down my thighs as I smile and laugh while my music plays for others. He’s not the one who filled me with the strength to go on.
I need to know that what I do, inside Second Life and out, is actually noticed and done well. And appreciated. I need to be thrown against my angel wings and made to scream while he fills me over and over again, proud of his girl doing so well in her performance. I need to be held to cry when the same event might have gone wrong.
I need to be able to log into Second Life and find him there, waiting for me.
I’m not getting any of that.
Instead, I’ve found solace in two others who are trying to keep me standing while he neglects me.
“I’m being punished for stuff I have no control over!”
He disappears again into the ether. Three days since his last log in. Two days since he last spoke to me.
I’m being punished for being his. Either I break his rules over me, resulting in punishment from him, or I don’t and I pine for him until I am physically ill.
I need him to BE my dominant. To take me to task for breaking his rules. I need him to BE there for me. This is going to be a long week of Djing every. Single. Day. I need him to be here. To take some of that burden from me. To take the others who call on us and be their dominant as well.
The new one should have been taken to task immediately when she disrespected me. She needed to be made to understand that we work together. I know she’s whined in his inbox that I’m so mean and heartless and more. She needed to be put in her place.
I need to be put in my place.
I need to be able to be little. To play and cuddle and, yes, even suck on a finger that might not be mine to sooth myself.
Just because this all happens in a virtual world doesn’t mean that it isn’t still real on some level.
I need to be thrown down and made love to, not just held. I need to be thrown down and made to scream his name, not just cuddled. To be given the strength I need to carry on no matter what is thrown at me.
But most of all…
I need to feel wanted.
Because I don’t.